“You know, it’s funny how you just happened to lose your voice right before this Team Training Mastermind. Isn’t that interesting?”
Suzanne Evans called me out in front of the whole room. I nodded yes as my eyes flooded with tears. In the course of thirty minutes Suzanne had matter-of-factly pointed out my biggest sensitivity and one of my deepest core issues.
Exposed would be the best way to describe the feeling I sat with in my seat at that conference table. “Goodness, now what do I do?” I thought to myself grabbing for the box of tissues that came skidding across the table in my direction. I could not hide anywhere; I was completely uncomfortable.
That was on Wednesday, let me rewind a bit.
The truth was that, yes, I had lost my voice on the Sunday before I flew out to Las Vegas but on a deeper level my voice has been “gone” for my what feels like my entire life. I remember waking up that Monday morning feeling exhausted and defeated; I cried to my friend that I didn’t know how I was going to make it through the next week and a half. I felt like a basket of raw emotions and they were all threatening to pour out of me. Not wanting to appear weak, I dried up my tears, put a smile on my face and headed off to the office.
I rarely get honest about my feelings. There is a constant zip-lipped thing I do 24/7 that successfully keeps everything inside. Anything wrong Terran? “Nope everything is fine!” I say. Yet people can clearly see my emotions speaking louder than my words.
Why can’t I just be honest?
I have always felt safer behind the scenes, in the background; strategically placing someone or something in front of me at all times. This is one way I silence my voice…quiet as a mouse.
I say I want success and I want to be my authentic self, yet that means coming out from hiding. It requires having attention on me. It requires facing my fears. It requires vulnerability. And that is what leaves me quaking in my Toms (love those shoes!).
I know this much: things inside of me are changing. I think they must be otherwise I would not have had the guts to get myself where I am today or to meet the valuable people who helped get me here. I am talking New York, I am talking my fun jobs and I am talking my happiness in life. These things were not handed to me, I fought for them and people helped me with the rest.
I have a new insight: I have noticed lately that I am too independent. I am independent to a fault. I rarely get sick but since I have moved to this city I have gotten sick 4-5 times. It’s because I am pushing myself really hard and I am not asking for help.
I up and changed my life with 3 major moves in the past 5-6 years. Great! Good job! Well done, chica! Now, let’s settle in a bit. I feel like I am always running, pushing, forcing, driving myself to the next thing. I have to change my ways slightly in that I will have to ask for the help I need. Obviously, I cannot keep getting myself sick and silencing my voice. I am driving myself bananas!
Maybe this is all happening to help me find my voice again. Reason says that if I am not as independent then I will have to find my voice to ask for help.
Simple, right? Easy? Not so much.
Oh well, here goes nothing…bring it on life!
Toodles for this week…
How do you speak up even when it is hard? Send me your stories I love reading your messages.
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