I Am A Control Freak

We went deep last night…like real deep.

So I will backtrack a little. My girlfriends and I met up to pre-game before going out last night. See we had planned to meet up with the guys at whatever bar they happened to be at when we were ready to leave the apartment. Well, drinks turned into shots, which then turned into a game of Friend Shots. And that, my friends, is when we each realized it wasn’t going to be a typical girls’ night out with light-hearted partying and laughter.

This particular game of Friend Shots basically went like this: each girl took a turn picking a random question for the others to answer, she then contributed her answer, took a swig of Bulleit and passed the bottle to the left. (Ouch! That stuff burns going down.) The leftie then answered the question, took a drink and passed the bottle… and on and on.

Typical Girl-Behavior.

Things got emotional real fast. We started sharing things like what was our happiest moment of 2014, what was the time in our life we felt most loved, etc. You know how things spiral out of control when girls start sharing and crying, crying and sharing? Haha it was one of those nights!

We had all bonded and learned more about each other. I had a lot of fun and left my friend’s apartment on a high. You know what I realized? I am such a lucky person to have moved here to a city that can feel incredibly lonely at times and have a pre-existing group of friends to fall into. I did not have to bump around and try to make friends here. Instead I just showed up in Brooklyn and had an amazing group of girls to fall in with. Check that off the list.

Anyway, back to the story. After I walked to the subway, managed the trains and climbed up the steps to my (freshly moved into, lovely, cozy, wonderful!) apartment I felt a huge wave of sadness settle over me. I sat in front of my mirror and cried. I’m telling you all of this because I realized a key behavior pattern I want to work on in myself.

WTF, Terran?

See what I happened was I felt the need to protect myself. I have this habit of taking my happiness and shoving it down because it feels safer than being happy and losing it. I think it helps me feel like I am truly in control. Does that make sense at all? At some point in my life I developed this thought pattern that it is better to bring myself down instead of being happy and risk losing it. Twisted, yes, but all the same…it’s what I have done unconsciously for years.

So there it was: I was happy last night and that felt dangerous so I conjured up something to make me sad just so I could feel in control and safe. My reasoning being if I take away my own happiness I have control over it. I also don’t give anyone the chance to make me happy or take that happiness away. I know it may sound a bit wacky. Typing this blog out is making me realize just how silly this behavior is and how it doesn’t help me to move forward.

On the Plus Side.

I am pumped to have landed on this realization and discovered yet another layer to work on with my Life Coach, Jan. In my book, it is empowering to learn the things that control my behavior because I have the tools (EFT, of course!) to work on conquering them. This is why I am a Life Coach myself. I thrive off of this shit! Excuse the language:-)

Wrap Up.

I woke up this morning feeling lucky for a few reasons:

I am so lucky to have these girls in my life.

I am lucky to be able to be accepted for exactly who I am within the group.

I am lucky to have come to a place in my life where I can design my experience.  I have a powerful process to release my patterns and a coach to work with. Gone are the days of frustration because I understood what was holding me back and I wanted to change but no matter how hard I tried to consciously do it, my entrained behaviors always won over my attempts.

This Is Where I Leave You.

And with that I leave you with this: How good are you at discovering what drives your behavior? Are you happy with who you are or are you looking to change certain things about who you have become?

Like it or not, life experiences change you over time and if you don’t want them controlling your behavior you will have to process through them somehow. I can help you with that:-) It is absolutely invigorating when you can truly overcome and move past behavior patterns that have tripped you up for years. So reach out to me when you are ready to change. Book at session by email:  eftinformation@gmail.com

– Terran Leigh 


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